You expect me to be something that I’m not, that I can not be..
I try living up to your expectations but that’s just impossible…
When I get close enough
Or high enough you kick me to my knees and tell me how I’m worthless.
So I ask myself these questions:
Make up? Or no makeup? How will everyone look at me if my eye liner isnt perfect? Or if I was runnin late for work and didn’t blend completely. What if they laugh?
Then I’ll feel humiliated.
Will you care then when I’m broken?
There are those who advocate for self love but deep down I feel like you Yes you took any love I had for myself away, with your high expectations
Thanks for calling me
Hey! It’s my birthday & it’s the fourth birthday that you’ve missed.
But, thanks for calling me.
It’s almost the holidays you know the time you spend with your love ones
So, thanks for calling me.
Wow! Another lonely Valentines, but thanks for buying me my favorite chocolate.
So I got a flat tired on the freeway and it decided to pour down raining
But I guess its okay, so thank you me for calling to see if I was okay.
I moved out of my mom’s place into a condo.
But thanks for calling me to see if I needed help.
Saturday was the day I graduated from college with my master’s degree.
Thanks for calling me to tell me congratulations.
Hey! I met someone so this might be the last time I call you.
But thanks for loving and calling me after all these years.
Hey! I’m getting married tomorrow and yah I know I shouldn’t be calling you
But I just want to say thanks for answering the phone after all these years.
Also after this I’ll probably never call again but thanks for being there all times I needed you
If you ask me how I’m doing I’m going to tell you im good. I don’t want you to know how broken I am. And I how I really feel inside. I mean I don’t wanna paint a picture in your mind of me being “Good.” Because to be honest I just wish I was good
I gave you all of me and i watched you just destroy me. But i won’t complain because I’m the one who let constantly stab me in the back and tell you “Hey Its okay you can stab me again.” Shit i covered the pain because I’d thought you changed. But then again u stabbed me again and had me feeling like girl you anit even worth it. You was out there cheating sleeping with who ever would give you what you needed. You had a queen at home but you rather sleep a with servant.
A lot of people don’t know. Yet they think they do. I fake a smile almost everyday just to please others. But I’m dying inside. I’m dying. Not because I’m afraid to live but because… that I don’t know. I always tell others you must love yourself but yet I fail to love myself. I’ve lost myself to a storm. I’ve been at my lowest peak for as long as I can remember. And It is depression. I’ve realized not many people want to hear me mooping and sobbing about how I feel but they rather hear me speak on false hopes that I have for myself. This is depression. Another victim. Another scar. Another person whose voice doesn’t get heard. You would think a asylum would help. But to Lock me up and put me in a stray jacket. Isn’t what I want. “But Isn’t that best way to solve depression? To lock you away and make sure you’re safe?” This is depression. Not wanting to do anything because you fear the wrong thing may happen. Or that people are intentionally doing things to hurt you. And no one wants to die alone trust me. I’m at my happiest when I’m not surrounded by my thoughts.