You expect me to be something that I’m not, that I can not be..
I try living up to your expectations but that’s just impossible…
When I get close enough
Or high enough you kick me to my knees and tell me how I’m worthless.
So I ask myself these questions:
Make up? Or no makeup? How will everyone look at me if my eye liner isnt perfect? Or if I was runnin late for work and didn’t blend completely. What if they laugh?
Then I’ll feel humiliated.
Will you care then when I’m broken?
There are those who advocate for self love but deep down I feel like you Yes you took any love I had for myself away, with your high expectations
Thanks for calling me
Hey! It’s my birthday & it’s the fourth birthday that you’ve missed.
But, thanks for calling me.
It’s almost the holidays you know the time you spend with your love ones
So, thanks for calling me.
Wow! Another lonely Valentines, but thanks for buying me my favorite chocolate.
So I got a flat tired on the freeway and it decided to pour down raining
But I guess its okay, so thank you me for calling to see if I was okay.
I moved out of my mom’s place into a condo.
But thanks for calling me to see if I needed help.
Saturday was the day I graduated from college with my master’s degree.
Thanks for calling me to tell me congratulations.
Hey! I met someone so this might be the last time I call you.
But thanks for loving and calling me after all these years.
Hey! I’m getting married tomorrow and yah I know I shouldn’t be calling you
But I just want to say thanks for answering the phone after all these years.
Also after this I’ll probably never call again but thanks for being there all times I needed you
If you ask me how I’m doing I’m going to tell you im good. I don’t want you to know how broken I am. And I how I really feel inside. I mean I don’t wanna paint a picture in your mind of me being “Good.” Because to be honest I just wish I was good
*CAUTION* READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I wrote this month’s ago maybe a year ago when I was going through a depressive episode. But I’ll share please don’t judge me
It’s unclear to me how this relationship between you and I started. I just remember I had insecurities. I was unhappy with my appearance. I hated the fact that I couldn’t be like a Ciara or some model type chic. I could never get the line straight when I did my eyeliner. Hair was never slayed just pretty much played with. I felt lost in a great big world full of people. I didn’t love me, neither did I love who i would become. I thought I’d fail. As a child I always took pictures something to capture the time aka a moment in history. I thought about death every second of every day. The second I got a chance to grip the thought. I was lost in my mind. It played out in my head a few times. How it would go. But I knew nothing good would come out my death. Just a sad parent. A sister who would hate me. A sister who once looked up to me. I fucking loved you. I fucking did. And I wish I fucking wish I never met you. Cus when I did that’s when I met other parts of you. Depression Anxiety and My Death. But hey I guess I was wrong because I loved you. I did. Every second is a moment I can’t get back. Every scar you caused. I gained this weight because of you. And look at me now. MISERABLE. I loved you at one point. I fed you. You wanted me dead. I cradled you in my arms like an infant child. You wanted blood and I gave you just that. I cut myself. And It would be for no fucking reason. House keys light bulbs broken umbrella. All for you all for you! And do i get any fuckin thanks? No. You were supposed to make me better you were suppose to be the one to care. But since I no longer feed into your bullshit. You decide to hurt me more than ever? I hate you. I hate you. Loathe. You disgust me. I pitty you. I can’t bare think what I do with you. I hate fuckin hate you. I needed you. And you left me. I Was in a great distress and you? What did you do stay Slient? Cause all you care about yourself. Fuck you. I hate you. !It’s all your fault. All yours. And I’m sorry that I let you in. Its like I gave you the key to my house and you’re my clingy partner who won’t leave me alone. Fuck YOU DEPRESSION
Its been a while. I haven’t heard from you. How’s everything? I heard your getting married. Congratulations. I hope that he brings you happiness and that you’ll never have to hurt again. I was scrolling through Facebook and I happen to see a picture of you and your Fiancé. You looked so happy. Your smile was lit like a Christmas tree. And I knew that everything that he was doing for you was everything I didn’t and could never do. They say a picture can say a 1000 words and from that picture I interpreted so much. I could see that you were no longer hurting. You were finally happy.Everything about you he has. And its hurts. Its been 8 years 21 days & 6months but girl know I’ve never never found a girl like you. Never have I. Maybe I was the reason for our break up. The reason for your tears. I just hate knowing that maybe if i woulda came home to you and maybe if would of bought you flowers maybe you would of stayed. When we broke up i tried the dating thing. And no girl compared to you. I remember back when we first decided to call a quits you would call every single day. And I wouldn’t answer. Now I’m calling you and wishing you’d answer. I was so stupid. I was hurt. Okay I admit it. I let go of someone who would of never let go of me. It finally hit me. Maybe it was me. But hey it has been 8 years 21 days & 6 months maybe I should just let go. And Let you live your life. You