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Good

Published August 13, 2017 by jusdanii

If you ask me how I’m doing I’m going to tell you im good. I don’t want you to know how broken I am. And I how I really feel inside. I mean I don’t wanna paint a picture in your mind of me being “Good.” Because to be honest I just wish I was good

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Dear Depression, My Depression

Published July 19, 2017 by jusdanii

*CAUTION* READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. I wrote this month’s ago maybe a year ago when I was going through a depressive episode. But I’ll share please don’t judge me

DEAR Depression
It’s unclear to me how this relationship between you and I started. I just remember I had insecurities. I was unhappy with my appearance. I hated the fact that I couldn’t be like a Ciara or some model type chic. I could never get the line straight when I did my eyeliner. Hair was never slayed just pretty much played with. I felt lost in a great big world full of people. I didn’t love me, neither did I love who i would become. I thought I’d fail. As a child I always took pictures something to capture the time aka a moment in history. I thought about death every second of every day. The second I got a chance to grip the thought. I was lost in my mind. It played out in my head a few times. How it would go. But I knew nothing good would  come out my death. Just a sad parent. A sister who would hate me. A sister who once looked up to me. I fucking loved you. I fucking did.  And I wish I fucking wish I never met you. Cus when I did that’s when I met other parts of you. Depression Anxiety and My Death. But hey I guess I was wrong because I loved you. I did. Every second is a moment I can’t get back. Every scar you caused. I gained this weight because of you. And look at me now. MISERABLE. I loved you at one point.  I fed you. You wanted me dead. I cradled you in my arms like an infant child. You wanted blood and I gave you just that. I cut myself. And It would be for no fucking reason. House keys light bulbs broken umbrella. All for you all for you! And do i get any fuckin thanks? No. You were supposed to make me better you were suppose to be the one to care. But since I no longer feed into your bullshit. You decide to hurt me more than ever? I hate you. I hate you.  Loathe. You disgust me. I pitty you. I can’t bare think what I do with you. I hate fuckin hate you. I needed you. And you left me. I Was in a great distress and you? What did you do stay Slient? Cause all you care about yourself. Fuck you. I hate you. !It’s all your fault. All yours. And I’m sorry that I let you in. Its like I gave you the key to my house and you’re my clingy partner who won’t leave me alone. Fuck YOU DEPRESSION

Life 

Published July 19, 2017 by jusdanii

Remember life is Beautiful

And so are YOU!

Life is a journey

That you’ll have to take.

Some days are better than others

And some just not worth waking up to

But keep pushing

Even if you don’t feel you’re doing your best.. I’ll leave you with this the most important person in this life  is  Y.O.U. so take care of yourself & your well being… xoxoxoxo

Congratulations Shanda 

Published May 25, 2017 by jusdanii

Its been a while. I haven’t heard from you. How’s everything? I heard your getting married. Congratulations. I hope that he brings you happiness and that you’ll never have to hurt again. I was scrolling through Facebook and I happen to see a picture of you and your Fiancé. You looked so happy. Your smile was lit like a Christmas tree. And I knew that everything that he was doing for you was everything I didn’t and could never do. They say a picture can say a 1000 words and from that picture I interpreted so much. I could see that you were no longer hurting. You were finally happy.Everything about you he has. And its hurts. Its been 8 years 21 days & 6months but girl know I’ve never never found a girl like you. Never have I. Maybe I was the reason for our break up. The reason for your tears. I just hate knowing that maybe if i woulda came home to you and maybe if would of bought you flowers maybe you would of stayed. When we broke up i tried the dating thing. And no girl compared to you. I remember back when we first decided to call a quits you would call every single day. And I wouldn’t answer. Now I’m calling you and wishing you’d answer. I was so stupid. I was hurt. Okay I admit it. I let go of someone who would of never let go of me. It finally hit me. Maybe it was me. But hey it has been 8 years 21 days & 6 months maybe I should just let go. And Let you live your life. You 

What’s love?

Published March 5, 2017 by jusdanii

​What is love can you express love? And I don’t mean the old immature answer I need an answer something other’s can understand. Can you handle that? “Yes okay I think I can handle that.” But Love  between two people?” “Anything anyone.” “Well to me love doesn’t really acquire another thing or another person. You can love yourself just because you see good quality within yourself.” “Let me stop you there, do you consider that to be some love or think that’s self-worth?” “That’s self-love because if you woke up and got dressed in the dark and you looked like crap when you shine the light on you can say “Hey I’m going to look pretty shit but hey I feel and look how I thought I would be my best that’s love because instead of Downing yourself you’ve let yourself know your just beautiful the way you are.” “What about love between two people? Love between two people?” It’s hard to describe because there’s always one person who loves the other person more. Can you explain? Well I use an example okay. Say that I like purple but you love purple make you go crazy if you don’t have it. Well that’s like how love is with two people one person is obsessed and the other person just loves. “That’s not always the case though don’t you think?” Why not?” “Just because I love you doesn’t mean I have to be obsessed over you one maybe clingy but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re obsessed.” “Yes but clingy leads to some kind of obsession.” “Okay I’ll let you have that but keep going with your explanation.” Love can’t be expressed in words it’s actually more about actions. 

DANA

Published November 12, 2016 by jusdanii

​”Hey whats up? You reached Dana leave message.” Hey Dana I was just calling to say that I’m sorry. I know over the years I’ve put you through so much crap. It wasn’t your fault that I cheated on you with Brenda. Maybe a one night stand at the time seemed right. But if I could go back in time I’d apologize I never meant to hurt you and I didn’t expect you to come home when me and Brenda were in the action. You were my bestfriend. And im truly sorry. Im sorry that everytime I got super wasted I would hooked up with my Ex Girlfriend. I took you for granted never thinking one day Dana would get fed up with my shit and leave. But congratulations on your first child and your marriage. Sorry that after four years I finally called to tell you that im sorry. I knew I should of ran after you when you packed your bags and left to your mom’s. I guess I just wanted be a player when all you wanted to do was settle down.  I love you Dana and no this isn’t one of those drunk calls where im very emotional. Im just sorry Dana.