I’ve giving you all of me
From the heart that pounders
To the person you needed be.
I see that love between you and I was fatal.
I carried your problems along with mine on my back. You lived carelessly while I walked through the valley of death trying to make you happy. .
I don’t want to blame you for the hurt that you’ve caused but how do I not?
If the world was coming to end and oxygen was dissipating I would of gave you my last breath so you could die happy.
You chased me through the garden of Eden because at that time you loved me. This was the beginning of chapter 1 of 9.
But it’s funny how the tables have turned…
Because your married now
“Hey whats up? You reached Dana leave message.” Hey Dana I was just calling to say that I’m sorry. I know over the years I’ve put you through so much crap. It wasn’t your fault that I cheated on you with Brenda. Maybe a one night stand at the time seemed right. But if I could go back in time I’d apologize I never meant to hurt you and I didn’t expect you to come home when me and Brenda were in the action. You were my bestfriend. And im truly sorry. Im sorry that everytime I got super wasted I would hooked up with my Ex Girlfriend. I took you for granted never thinking one day Dana would get fed up with my shit and leave. But congratulations on your first child and your marriage. Sorry that after four years I finally called to tell you that im sorry. I knew I should of ran after you when you packed your bags and left to your mom’s. I guess I just wanted be a player when all you wanted to do was settle down. I love you Dana and no this isn’t one of those drunk calls where im very emotional. Im just sorry Dana.
I can’t help but think of the day where you got on bended knee and told me “I love you more than words could ever express more than I love my mom’s mac. You bring the best out of me and I just don’t see me living life without you. Baby girl you’re worth every diamond every pearl and even every part of my heart Ana will you marry me?” I replay this day in my head once a day because now that you and I are no longer together I struggle with who I am. I thought that maybe you’d call by now but now I’m watching our future plans become someone else’s. And now she’s pregnant? And I wonder how did six years go in the drain? How did she become your queen and I your peasant? Truth is if you and I were meant to be you’d be in my bed when I wake up not hers. I fell madly in love with you so it tears my heart that you love another woman. I loved you for who you were not who you became. Who are you cause I can’t figure it out anymore. You love another woman and I just can’t. I faced too much I do too much and everything I’ve done was for you.
”You’ve reached Sean Poles leave a message.” Hey Its been a while. I don’t want hold you to long because I know you have this new life. And you’re about to have a wife. I just… I don’t know I get carried away at times I guess. Um I called to say.. uhh I hate part. (Throat starts to get tight and Tears start to fall down.) I know you think I’m crazy and that you wish you never met me but I can’t hide the fact that you made me a better person. You changed my life and it was for the better. Your fiancé is the luckiest woman alive because I’d give up my life to be in her shoes. Thanks for everything Sean. Goobye.
You have to love yourself before you allow yourself to love another being. I was in relationship for a year in six months. I never fully understood what that person meant when they called our relationship toxic. Even when we split I still wondered what that person meant by toxic? I didn’t understand if they were referring to me as a toxic person or were they saying “Hey we can’t be together because we are just not meant to be?” I didn’t and still don’t know what that person meant because I loved them way more than I should have. I should’ve backed off when they cheated but being fourteen all the way to sixteen teaches you things about love and yourself. Like how does someone love another being more than they love themselves? I was young and I was looking for love online because my insecurities were through the roof. It took me nearly eighteen years to finally say “I’m comfortable in my own skin enough to love me.” I was steady worried that I wouldn’t find someone good enough for me. But who is better for you than you? When you meet new people you always have to get to know them. For instance you have to read the back a book to find out what a book is about. Not just a pretty cover is going to always appeal to the eye.
They ask me ” You love her right.” I blush as if you were the one asking me if I loved you. The answer has always been yes even when it could’ve been no. You were worth keeping, you’re worth it all. How about that smile that use to grin from corner to corner. Or those soft lips that use to sing sweet lullabies to me at night to help me sleep. I wonder do you still think of me or is the feeling you feel faded? How I can love someone so far away? (I chuckle to myself.) How do you love someone who’s moved on? Do you not care that your irreverent to them and that it could never be? These are the questions I ask myself daily. But shot i still find myself thinking Hey maybe one day she’ll call or send a text. *thinking* What I would I say? Would it be to late? Would I be the one who’s finally moved on in life? We were young. Yes. Did I love her? The question has already been answered. If i didn’t love her I wouldn’t be still hurting over someone that left so long ago….